#A man can walk proudly down in the street
#A man's not ashamed of what he believes
#He knows how to laugh He knows when to cry
#He knows how to live
#He's not afraid to die
# What is a man? What is a man?
# What is a man? #
Bugger, bugger, bugger!
I can't believe it.
- It doesn't matter. - It matters to me.
I'm sorry. I...
And for you as well, I...
Gloria, you've got your needs, I know that.
Me getting sent down...
I'm not the only one who's been enjoying a 4 ½ -year sexual sabbatical, am I?
Len, it doesn't matter.
That's what I'm saying. I'm not complaining.
(LAUGHTER)
CHARITY: So what do you reckon? A, B or C?
GLORIA: C, definite.
Right. Last question.
"If there was a male pill available, would your partner take it?"
What in God's name are you lot reading?
Dad!
Not an issue for me any more, I'm delighted to say.
Well, cos of my age.
FAITH: I wouldn't let Gavin go anywhere near it!
He'd forget. You know what he's like.
Right. You wouldn't dare give 'em the responsibility, would you?
I mean, I never trust a bloke to take care of things.
(SMASH)
LEN: Sorry, love.
C again, then.
You'll need a bucket for that. In the utility room.
Len? Are you all right?
Charity..." I never trust a bloke to take care of things..."
- Ssh! You'll embarrass her. - I doubt it.
- Ssh! - (WHISPERS) What is going on?
She came to me, and we talked about it. I'm delighted how sensible she's being.
She's 17, for God's sake!
Think what you were like at that age.
Only because I had nothing better to think about.
She's got school, education... satellite TV...
Oh, Len, stop it. She's being careful and safe, and that's all that matters.
Len?
Yeah, I know. Had to happen eventually, I suppose.
I'm gonna give Chastity a ring, see how she's getting on with her exams.
I said I would.
- Give her my love, won't you? - Yeah. Course. Chastity...
She always had her priorities sorted out. She's the one I don't worry about.
(ALARM BUZZES)
Christ!
Get up!
- Wake up! - What's happening?
- You've gotta go. - Go where?
Out. Home, I dunno. Just go. I've got an exam. I'm late.
(BELL TOLLS)
- Whoa... Sorry. - It's all right. I'll get you next time.
- Are you all right? - I'm running late.
I've got structural criticism in ten minutes.
Good night, was it?
Listen, Chastity, I've done these exams. I know it's difficult...
- You haven't? - So?
Only trouble is, he seems a bit keen.
I swear he's wearing a hole in the window pane outside my room.
See you around.
Hello.
Chastity?
Sorry, Dr Knox, I can't stop. I'm busy.
Sure you're OK, Len?
- Only... - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Nothing at home? - No!
It's... I'm all right, Carl.
What are you doing?
It's a new fitness regime, so I can cope with the beatings better.
- The last couple I've had have really... - Hurt?
- Yeah. - Funny that, isn't it(?)
Have you everjoined a gymnasium?
- What? - Yeah, I've just joined one.
It helps get rid of all the stress in your body and gives you more energy.
Works wonders for your sex drive.
I never realised you were catered for at the moment, Carl.
Well, I'm not, but I'm... I'm definitely more up for it, you know, in principle.
Rabbit, where you been?
Gentlemen, a crisis. We have a body to fetch.
LEN: What, straight away?
The deceased is precariously placed, Leonard.
LEN: What, in here? CARL: Aw, poor sod! What a place to go!
- "Poor sod"? It's disgusting! - Come on.
What's wrong with breathing your last propped up by two crisp pillows,
surrounded by your loved ones?
IRWIN: I think he was, Leonard.
Irwin, Len, thank goodness you're here!
Matisse, worry not. We'll take over now.
Blimey, it looks like the embalming suite, dunnit?
It's funny you should say that, Carl,
cos the French do call it "la petite mort" - the little death.
The point you pass go, collect your 200 quid.
Only seems like... Gaffer here... he had a big mort.
LEN: Gaffer?
- Yeah. - He was 110 years old, wasn't he?
He's 85, if he's a day.
What, you're telling me he could still?
That... Everything still operated, did it?
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Matisse, better get him home.
You understand, Irwin, it's... If the kids found out... where he was...
"Lust is a beast best tamed in private." I quite appreciate that, Matisse.
Psst!
(SQUEALS)
- (DOOR SHUTS) - Don't worry. It's only me.
Bloody idiot! What do you think you're doing?!
Look, I...
I just... wanted to wish you luck.
I couldn't...
Of course you couldn't - you're invigilating, aren't you?
Christ, you could have me sent down!
Well, no-one will look in here. It's quite safe.
Anyway, I, um...
Well... you know.
Don't worry.
You've got first class stamped all over you.
- Head of faculty says so and... - Look, I've gotta go...
No, Chastity...
- What about tonight? - I can't.
- I need you, Chastity... - It's over, Roger.
- But I... - No buts. It is.
We had great times together...
Six hours?
We had six hours.
And they were a brilliant six hours. And that's it.
Come on, enjoy it for what it was. Please?
- (WHISPERS) He's stiff as a board. - (WHISPERS) I hope not.
Gaffer... I can't believe it.
Are you still going down again tonight?
- What? - Down the gym.
I thought I might come with you, you know...
- See if it was the thing for me? - Oh, yeah, yeah, course, Len.
- All right? - Yeah.
The world's gone sex mad.
- Oy! - I gotta go.
Just say those words to me, Oy.
What?
Those special words you said to me when we first met.
Please.
Gimme all the money out of the till... and no-one'll get hurt.
- I've got another one of them videos, Oy. - I told you, Belinda...
- You're nicked, sunshine! ...I've gotta go.
- Get in! - (POLICE SIREN ON TV)
(GYM NOISE DROWNS SPEECH)
Nice one, Len.
Actually, could be a bit of a godsend, this, Carl...
if I'm to be honest.
Yeah? Why's that?
Well... I can see how you could get into it.
Plus, if it does give you the all-over conditioning...
Couple of weeks, Len - you'll really see the difference.
Yeah? Good, cos...
Well, there was something, actually, Carl...
I knew there was something wrong. What is it?
- Here, I'll have a double portion. - Yeah? You sure?
Yeah. Right. Pile it on.
Go on.
- So, go on, what is it? - Oh, it's... you know...
it's a man thing.
Tumescence... to be blunt.
Lack of.
- Tu-what? - Tumescence.
Tu?
- I'm sorry, mate. - All right.
What I'm saying is, Carl,
that while the rest of the world seems to be lost in a...
an orgy of dirty weekends and orgasmically induced heart attacks,
I... I can't...
I can't...
Christ!
- I'm having one. - Eh?
- Now! - Having what?
I'm getting a stiffy!
(WEIGHTS DROP, THEN SILENCE)
Is it still there?
Don't talk about it. God, I can't believe it.
It's the exercise, Len, honest. They wasn't that bothered.
They gave us a wide enough berth when we were leaving, didn't they?
Christ! In front of all them men. What is happening to me?
- You all right, Len? - No, I'm not. Take me down The Bob.
- I want a word with Mickey. - Yeah, that'll do you good, that.
A nice stiff drink.
- What sort of bloke are ya? - Yeah.
I mean... Well, you know me, Mickey...
You, for example, I would say, is...
well, you're a tough man, but fair.
Not overly given to expressing your emotions, yet loyal...
Clint Eastwood is how you'd sum me up.
- Yeah. - No.
I'm Big John, clearly,
as Rooster Cogburn. Only with both eyes.
So, er... who am I, then?
(MICKEY SIGHS)
Montgomery Clift.
And that's how you see me?
Yeah. Or possibly... James Dean in Giant.
Montgomery in Red River. Obviously.
And your reasoning?
Well, they're different, aren't they? Them two.
I mean, they're not the average Joe on the hacienda.
Sort of... outsiders.
How you are.
- How am I? - You know how.
Though if this is some kind of convoluted way
of you saying you don't wanna be on the outside no more, Len,
because you feel you've lost your sense of identity, then of course I'm ready...
That's not what I meant at all, Mickey.
I wanna understand you, Len. Find out where you're coming from, that's all.
I'm not the kind of guy who's going to
shove something down your throat if you don't want it.
- What? - But if you do want it,
only you're too scared to ask, then...
(CLICKS HIS TEETH)
Len?
Len, what's the matter?
(# Theme from The Professionals)
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
Oh, God.
I love that song!
Oy, oy... (SIGHS)
Oh. Oh, Belinda...
Oh... it don't get no better than this.
- (RATTLING) - (WHISPERS) What was that?
- MAN: Hey, Belinda, it's me. - (KNOCKING)
- Oh, my good God! - It's Barry!
- Christ! - No, don't!
BARRY: I've just had the worst 24 hours in my life!
(WHISPERS) Drainpipe! I'll call you!
BARRY: It could not possibly get any worse.
(WHISPERS) We haven't got a drain...
- (CLATTERING) ...pipe.
(DISCO MUSIC)
MAN: I think it's quite impressive.
I guarantee you must be the one straight bloke in this entire place.
No. Make that two.
- You worry too much about her. - She's in the middle of her exams!
- I thought she was on for a first. - She is, but...
Well, you know the sort.
Crash and burn.
- Len... - Look, please.
Look, neither of us were really in the mood then, were we?
I don't know why...
Because there's no problem. Like you say, there's no problem.
Len, you've got to calm down.
You put so much pressure on yourself.
No wonder things aren't... as you'd like.
Things have always been all right in the past, haven't they?
And they'll be all right again. What's changed?
Len... it's not me, is it?
No, it's not, love. It's me. I'm...
It's me.
- (CLATTERING) - (DOGS BARK)
What the bloody hell?
- CHARITY: What's going on? - Charity, what are you doing up?
I heard all the noise.
- OY: All right, Charity? - Oy.
How's school? OK?
Oy... Go on, back to bed. Excitement's over.
- It don't look like it. - Bed!
Oi, Len, it's the girlfriend, see, I...
I'm sorry, Oy, I... I can't concentrate. Here, put this on.
Me flat keys are in me trousers, see?
I had to leave them double-pronto, cos her husband polled up.
What, your girlfriend's husband?
Oy, what is it with you? You're gonna get yourself in serious trouble.
I mean, apart from the moral issue, what if her old man
turns out to be some knife-wielding maniac?
Yes, it's Barry Edgeley.
- The Moulinex Man? Oy! - I know, I know.
- It's terrifying. - Do something about it!
It ain't all down to me, is it? I mean, you know...
Your old man, he gets you into trouble, don't he?
It's like havin' a dodgy mate who takes you to all the wrong parties
and tells you to enjoy yourself just cos... You know what it's like, Len.
That's it, go on, outside! You can sleep in the shed.
You mean I can stay?
- Yes, under duress. - Tarpaulin, anything...
Oy... and if you see any knots in the wood, leave 'em alone.
And if you want to avoid the wrath of Edgeley,
you need to sort this problem out fast.
You need to look this woman straight in the eye and you need to say these words -
"We are finished. It's a despicable thing that we're doing
"and we'll fry in hell if we don't stop. Now, goodbye, for ever!"
Got that?
Go on.
(DOGS BARK)
- There you go. - Thanks, love.
Oy, Len.
- That'll put lead in your pencil. - You off, then?
- (PHONE RINGS) - GLORIA: I'll get it.
- Yeah. - Can I borrow this?
- Hello? Dr Knox. - It was in the shed.
GLORIA: Excuse me?
What's wrong with your motor?
- GLORIA: What?! - It's still at Belinda's, innit?
GLORIA: You want to what?
That way I was thinking, if Barry's got any car bombs lined up, you know...
- GLORIA: What?! - Yeah, take it.
Cheers.
- GLORIA: You'll do no such thing. - Thanks for the clothes, mate.
She's my daughter, that's why. No! I will talk to her, thank you very much.
And I'd appreciate it if you said no more about it. Goodbye!
- What's the matter? - That was Chastity's tutor.
He said he loves her and he wants to marry her,
- and he's not like all the other blokes. - What other blokes?
As if she didn't have an opinion in the matter!
- What's he saying? - Better give her a call, Len.
Make sure this bloke's not botherin' her.
- She wouldn't do that. - Hey?
Chastity is Chastity is Chastity. She's good as gold.
What are you on about?
My Chastity wouldn't behave how he's! She wouldn't behave like that!
The lying bastard! I'll break his bloody neck!
Len, wait... Len!
(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)
Oy, what is this? Eh? What is so urgent?
I've gotta talk to you, Belinda.
Yeah, but outside a crematorium? That ain't very romantic.
- Well, that's the idea. - Eh?
Oh, Belinda, there ain't no easy way to say this, except...
...we gotta stop.
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm being how Len said - plain.
Len Green?
What's he got to do with this?
He give us some guidance, and he's right.
I'm sorry, Belinda, but me mind's made up.
Unmake it, then.
I can't. I'm determined.
(SIGHS) How determined?
Determined the way you are
when you burst through the doors of a building society, do you mean?
Dry in the mouth...
your palms ever so slightly, er...
wet?
Your breath coming in little spurts... (BREATHES HEAVILY)
...until finally you crash through the doors, your weapon in your hand,
- and you shout out... - Oy! Who wants some of this, then?!
(HE LAUGHS)
I know you, Oy. You are as rude as I am.
- We're made for each other. - No, no.
No, what we're doing is wrong.
You've taken vows, and I'm leading you astray.
We've gotta walk away from this while we still can. Me especially.
Look... I never, ever,
ever, ever want to see you again.
We're finished.
Thank you...
and good afternoon.
(BELL TINKLES)
CARL: Tell you what, Len, they should let you know about places like this
when you're at school. I would've worked tons harder
if I'd realised I could come to a place like this.
All they told me about was the tech and the recruitin' office.
You're not feelin' a bit queer, are you, Len?
No!
No.
- You're a man's man, aren't you, Carl? - How d'you mean?
I mean... you like the company of men.
Yeah. I love it when we all get together.
Yeah, so do I.
And that's all right, isn't it?
Yeah, course it is.
When I was in prison, all that time, I never...
Well, I never...
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Chastity, it's Dad.
- I thought she was doing her exams? - Yes, she is, only...
Two yesterday, one this morning,
then she doesn't have another one till tomorrow afternoon -
practical criticism and the Victorian novel.
Bloody hell, mate. If she ever forgets her timetable!
You've got to show them you're behind them, haven't you, Carl?
How can you expect 'em to be successful if you don't give 'em a bit of support?
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Chastity!
Oh, sod it, it doesn't matter.
It's not Chastity that's the problem.
Len...
Don't worry, Carl. I'm not gonna go mad.
A place of learning and culture, I know, I know.
Why have you been sayin' all that stuff? Tell me! Come on,
- tell me! - Because I do love her...
No, not that. No, the stuff about her and all these other blokes.
You're makin' her out to be like a tramp.
Three first-year undergraduates. Two I found in her room this morning.
The college window cleaner, for God's sake!
And that's just this term.
You... You are making this up.
- You're making it up. - I wish I was.
She's a wonderful girl.
That's the only reason...
I feel as you do.
They all take advantage of her. All of them.
Mr Green?
Are you all right?
Len?
May I call you Len?
Len? Tell us what happened, then.
I just... I need to speak with Chastity.
- We'll stay there. - What, we're stopping?
- Yes. - Len, is everything?
- No. It's not, Carl! - All right.
Can I help you, sir?
- Yeah, I'd like a room, please. - Certainly.
- With bath or shower? - Well, shower'll do, won't it, Len?
- Sorry, are you two together? - BOTH: Yeah.
Er, no, no.
- Two singles, please. - Len, we always share!
- No, we don't. - We do!
The takings aren't gonna last long like that, are they, Len?
- We'll have one together, please. - Of course.
- Any luggage? - No.
No luggage.
- Number eight. - Oh, cheers.
You'll like that room - it's got a big mirror.
Oh, terrific. Cheers.
- Carl, come on. - What?
Ah, it's a whopper, innit?!
Aw, Len, you gotta come and see this bathroom! (LAUGHS)
Ah, what?
(TURNS ON SHOWER)
- Ah... - What are you doing?
- What? - You're naked!
- No, I'm not. - Well, you're half-naked!
I'm gonna have a shower. I always take my clothes off.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Carl. I'm not...
- The way things have been lately... - Listen, Len,
I told you, you've got to keep things in perspective. I mean, students...
Not now, please, Carl.
Not until I've spoken to her. Look, why don't you go and have a look-see?
- What? - Take a trawl. See if you can spot her.
- Len, I'd never... - Carl...
Just do it, please. Please?
Yeah.
(MUSIC THUMPS)
- Hello, mate. Is there a gym round here? - Sorry?
No, I was just wondering - all those cut blokes walking along,
I thought it was a gym.
- Are you takin' the mickey? - No. I don't know how long
I'm going to be staying here. I thought I might go and use it.
It's called Adonis. It's on the corner of Bridge Street.
- Where's that? - Back down the hill, second on the left.
- Cheers, mate. - You not coming in, then?
- Nah, I'm lookin' for someone. - Aren't we all? Go on, you'll enjoy it.
Yeah, sod it. I could do with a pint.
(# DEAD OR ALIVE: You Spin Me Round)
Hello, mate. A pint of lager, please.
£1.77, sir.
- Happy hour. It's a third off. - Nah, it's not that.
It's just, er... this is a gay place, innit?
- Yeah. - Yeah...
- Why? - Ah, no... no reason.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello? - Len...
Where are you?
Stuffed what?
Yeah, this place is...
Len?
(SOBBING)
I'm sorry, Barry.
It was all his fault!
I... I promise.
The bastard! I'll tear him limb from limb.
This is the only Stuffed Olive in town, isn't it?
You been away somewhere?
Hang on. Are you a member?
Well, no. I didn't realise you had to be...
- My friend Carl is already in there. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. He's blondish...
jeans... Timberlands. He's quite muscly.
Well, that's narrowed it down a bit(!) In you go.
Cheers.
All right, Len?
- She's over there. - Where?
No, not there. There!
- Carl, this place... - Yeah, I know.
- We've gotta leave. Come on. - What?
CHASTITY: Dad? Dad!
Dad!
- What are you doing here? - It's not what it seems. Is it, Carl?
- No. - I've come to see you.
- He's your dad? - Yeah.
Yeah. I am. Her dad.
Who's this? Was he involved in this three-in-a-bed romp as well?
- What? - Yeah.
I've been chatting to your tutor, Chastity.
I know exactly what you've been getting up to lately.
- We need to talk, away from here. - No!
- What? - I don't feel like it. Not now.
- Yeah, so why don't you leave her alone? - I beg your pardon?
You're being a bully. Piss off!
Listen, sunbeam, I'm presuming your presence in this bar
means that you're one of the few blokes in this city
who haven't enjoyed my daughter's hospitality to the full.
You bastard!
- Dad! - Fight!
CHASTITY: What have you done?
Me? What have I done?!
It's all right. It's all right.
- Chastity, come on... - Just go away.
Go away, Dad. I don't wanna see you.
CARL: Come on.
Come on.
MAN: It's always the older ones, innit?
Come to it late.
Sorry about that, mate.
Aaargh!
You all right now?
You ought to get that looked at.
Ah, they can't do nothing.
Come here.
Oh, Christ.
You look shattered, mate.
Well, it's not been a great day, has it? One thing and another...
- Cheers. - There you are.
I'm sorry, Len. I can't get off if they're closed.
It's all right, Carl.
It's me dad's fault. It all started with him, when I was little.
Used to do it so when I heard his car pull up in the street at night,
I could get straight up, look out the window, no fuss...
check whether he was bevved up or not.
If he was, I could run through and warn me mum.
Wasn't a brilliant experience, your upbringing, was it?
Everybody gets saddled with something, don't they? Fact of life.
You either get a drinker, or a fighter, or a shagger.
My old man went for the hat-trick, that's all.
I'm not like that with mine.
No, no. A different generation, though, aren't you?
What, you don't reckon how I'm being with Chastity's out of order, then?
No, you're bound to wanna look after her, aren't you?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
She gave me a look...
God... such a look.
- She loves you. - Yeah?
Of course she does.
Why's she done this to me, then?
- What you doing? - I can't sleep.
I'm warning you, when I break free of this,
I'm gonna bloody well break every!
(# DEAN MARTIN: Sway)
Evening, Barry.
What brings you out here?
You know why they call me the Moulinex Man, Oy?
A dab hand with the flans and that, Barry, is that it?
Dismemberment. It's like my signature torture.
Oy, that's mine!
Yeah, save us washing ours. You don't mind?
She's told you, ain't she? Belinda.
It's over, Barry. It is, honest.
- It's all over. - Yeah?
Well, I want it back on again. That's the reason why I'm here.
- What? - My wife shags whoever she likes, Oy.
And at this moment, that happens to be you.
So unless you and the blender want to get intimate,
I suggest you reconsider your decision to call it off. Fair enough?
Good.
Now, before I leave you, Oy, I need to have a word with Len Green.
So where is he?
He's behind all this, I know he is.
No, Barry, I ain't tellin' you.
Len's my mate - it's outta the question.
He's gone to see his daughter. She's in Oxford - St Mary's College.
Straight through the town, first on the right. You can't miss it.
Christ.
No wonder you ain't got an empire no more, Oy.
Right, come on, you two.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Can I come in?
Dad, it's two o'clock in the morning
and I got a busy day tomorrow. What do you want?
What's going on, Chas?
- I thought you'd got the full picture. - And I thought you was a good girl.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
I just wanna sort things out, Chas. I'm not cross.
You've got nothing to be cross about. I haven't done anything wrong.
Yeah. I can see that. I can see it. Only...
I just don't... Of all my girls, Chas, I mean, you're clever.
You're brilliant. You can fly, and yet you choose to plumb the depths...
All right, Dad! You've had your chance. If that's how you're going to be, just get...
No! I'm entitled to an explanation, Chas.
I have thieved myself blind to put you through college!
I mean, bloody hell.
You have everything you want, you always have, and yet you behave like this!
I daren't tell your mum what you've been getting up to, it'd kill her,
- with all her sacrifices... - Sacrifices?!
- Yes! - Christ, Dad. The bloody sacrifices!
Don't I know it? Don't I know how lucky I am(?)
Every chance you get, you're banging on about it.
And all I gotta do is be grateful and reap the benefits, eh?
Well, no... not really.
I slog, I slave, I spend every waking hour I can
with my face in those poxy books!
No-one does any more than me. No-one! Do you understand?
So whatever you've given me, I've paid it back ten times over,
and if I decide on those rare occasions when I'm not slaving my guts out
that I want to go out and have a bit of fun, then...
- Fun? Fun? That's not fun! - What is it, then?
- It's disgusting. - No, it isn't.
- There's more to life than sex, you know. - Yeah. Yeah, I do know, actually.
- So how come you're at it all the time? - Dad, what is your problem?
I haven't got a problem. It's you that's got the problem! You can't say no!
Man after man! One after another!
Two at flipping once!
I'm being efficient, Dad. Doubling up. Gets me back to work twice as quick.
I've never done that.
Just get out.
Just go!
Here, Rob...
No, wait! Rob... Rob!
Rob!
I need to talk to you... Rob!
Rob!
(PANTS)
She's my little girl, for God's sake.
Oxford, then.
(BEEPS)
Oy, you're so kind!
Oh, you look all puffed out!
What?
I'm not taking you unless you bring your Chopper with you.
It's all right, we're just talking.
It's nice, innit? Um, how you've done it out.
- Homely. - Len.
What?
Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just didn't want you thinking that last night... That I'm...
I... I was upset. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Why's she doing it, Rob?
Why's she behaving the way she is? Please?
- You know her. Why? - It's the pressure. I mean,
lately... you know, especially the exams.
It's like she's using sex as a sort of anaesthetic.
She worries such a lot, you see.
What's she got to worry about? She's got a loving family,
money...
Telling someone how much they mean to you, wanting them to be successful -
that's not pressure, that's support!
Pressure is sitting in a bank knowing you've only got three minutes
before the police turn up and you still haven't cleared out the safe.
It's careering the wrong way down a one-way street at 70mph.
You're too young to know about pressure!
Len, I come from Walthamstow.
Me dad's a plasterer, me brother's on West Ham's books,
and at the age of 16, I realise I have to tell them I'm gay.
So, you see, yeah, actually, I do know what pressure is.
Yeah, but...
And it's ten times worse when it comes from your family.
But what you're talking about, I mean, being...
It doesn't mean your whole life has to go AWOL, does it?
I mean, it's the way you tackle it. That's what I say to myself.
You know, I mean, don't let it overwhelm you.
You know... just keep battling.
- Len! Keep battling? You? - Yeah.
Vis-à-vis one's orientation... you know, it's the same as everything, isn't it?
I mean, you have to get your head round it first
and then after that, well... anything's possible, isn't it?
You're not gay.
- No, hang on... - You're not.
How do you know? I've always been sensitive.
Len, I know you're not.
- Well, down the gym... - Well, down the gym, what?
You sometimes find yourself looking at other blokes when you shower?
Or, oh yeah, perhaps you found yourself having a bit of a fiddle with a mate
when you were a teenager?
That ain't it.
That's not what it's about.
- (LAUGHS) I mean... I mean, look at you! - What?
- Well, look! You sweat heterosexuality. - Do I?
I love men.
I mean, everything about them.
The... the way they look, the way they smell, the way they laugh.
I adore the way the jeans hang off his hips...
...and the way his neck feels after he's shaved...
and the skin's all tight.
I love the way he kisses me when we're out in public...
...sort of... small...
but determined.
I love men.
They excite me...
They inspire me...
They make me more than I am on my own.
They don't do that to you.
(DOOR OPENS)
Will you put some bloody clothes on?
How come I can't manage it with my wife, then, hey?
Well, um...
I can't always get it up with him. It happens to everyone.
- You can't? - No!
It's pressure, Len, innit?
I mean, it takes hold of us all sometimes, doesn't it?
Carl!
Good, you're up.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
Go and get the car, meet me round at Chastity's college.
- Are we going? - Yeah. I just want a quick word with her.
- And Carl... - What?
- Give us a hug. - What for?
Cos you're a good lad.
- See you there. - OK.
(BIRDS SING)
Dad, I've got an exam this afternoon.
I know. Practical criticism and the Victorian novel. I know.
I've come to apologise. Properly.
Striking you. That's unforgivable.
Whatever I've done or said
came out the way it did... because I love you.
Except I realise now
I've been loving you too much.
- Dad... - No, listen, please.
It's been giving you grief because it's...
I love you ever such a lot.
You're my bright star, always have been.
Like this great... See? I'm doing it now.
I mean, I'm gonna stop.
- I don't understand you, Dad. - Chastity...
Me, your mum, the girls...
We love you whatever you do with your life.
We love you for who you are, not for what you've achieved.
That's all that really matters.
So we love you if you wander out of here with a double first or with nothin'.
And I really mean that.
I've been breathing down your neck too long.
Just...
...be happy.
- And the sex thing... - Dad...
No, wait. I'm not going off on one. It's just...
Sex is good, Chastity.
Bloody good, in fact.
Only... don't do it because of all the pressures you're under.
It's wasteful. It is.
Sex is so precious.
Well, the good stuff, anyway, and...
Have sex because it matters.
And I'm not just talking about...
you know, if you love 'em or only once you're married.
No, I mean... honestly.
Have sex honestly.
With no agendas.
So it's just 100º% you
losing yourself in 100º% them.
Otherwise, there's no point.
Anyway... Um...
Remember what I said. Be happy. Come home soon,
if you want. For the weekend.
Your mum misses you. Now, don't...
Come on. Come on...
Everything's gonna be fine. I promise.
Only... just try and understand your old dad, eh?
BARRY: Len Green.
- At long last. - Barry Edgeley.
What are you doing in Oxford?
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
What d'you mean, it's none of my business? Oy's my mate.
And Belinda's my wife.
Which, I have to say, does cause me some confusion.
- She does what she likes. - Evidently.
Come on, Dad, let's go to my room.
Nah, don't worry, love. These lads have said what they wanted to
and now they're on their way. Aren't you?
Not until you've learned a bloody good lesson!
- Dad! Rob, help him! - Chastity!
(SHOUTING)
You want some as well, eh?
Hugh! Help!
Hey, come on.
Get off!
Oy! This one's mine. Come on!
Oy!
Oy! Pack it in. That's enough!
This is right out of order!
Oy, Barry, now listen. I will not go back out with your missus.
I don't care what you mince of mine.
I'm finished with her. It's over. Do you understand?
So why has Oy got to, then?
Cos she'll leave me if he doesn't.
Barry, she's halfway there already, mate.
You don't understand, Len.
You see, it's our arrangement. It's what keeps us going.
You see, I can't... manage it any more.
And it's drivin' me mad.
And the more I think about it, the worse I get, and...
Well, this way, she's satisfied. And she's got no reason to leave me.
Hang on, hang on... It doesn't have to get to that.
I mean, the thing, the problem - there's stuff you can do, you know.
I mean, just because now... doesn't mean it's got to stay like that.
It's when everything gets on top of you. You know, the pressure.
Well, that happens to everyone.
- Yeah? - Yeah!
Look. I'll see you in The Bob tomorrow night and we'll have a good chat.
Talk it through.
- God, you'd do that, Len? - Yeah. Yeah, I'd do that.
Suddenly I feel quite hopeful.
Thanks, Len.
Right, boys!
(HORN TOOTS)
I can't help it, Len. It's in me genes.
If only it were, Oy. If only it were. Go on.
- Dad, this is Hugh. He's... - Yeah, I know.
His ladder's a dead giveaway. Thanks, Hugh.
- Appreciate it. - No worries. Any time.
Fancy coming for a drink later, Chastity?
- Yeah, all right. - Can't stop thinking about ya!
Take care of her for me, Rob.
Or you him, whatever way suits. If you have any trouble with that Dr Knox...
I'll deal with that. He's harmless enough.
You know, he loves not wisely but too well.
Shakespeare. I love you.
And me you.
- I'll see you soon. - See ya.
CARL: Len!
(CREAKING)
Can I see you tomorrow, then?
Yeah, all right.
I'll see you then.
"Carl, Carl, Carl!" I'm sick to death of hearing that name!
Go easy on Charity, eh?
- What do you mean? - She's just a kid.
- It's my dad - he's had a fall. - All right?
If anyone's been a father figure to him, it's you.
God should have shared stuff around a bit better
so when you're fit and strong, that's when all the rubbish gets dumped on you.
- Charity, you look like a bloody tramp. - What?
- I look like a what? - Tramp.
You didn't think they were provocative, did you?
Did you?
- He's dying. - I'm not going!
He's had my best years. He ain't gonna have these an' all!
What are you talking about? He's your dad!